Between Privilege and Vulnerability: Riding the Current Storms

joy-comes-in-the-morningThere have been quite a few articles written about the negative emotional and physical effects of post-election trauma.  Many people have reported an increase in high blood pressure, migraines, heart issues (palpitations, etc.), generalized anxiety and stress, and symptoms that mimic depression.  It seems like the nation is experiencing a crisis similar to that of being engaged in a war. It also seems as if for many people, this is the first time they have ever experienced such deep confusing maddening distress.

As a woman of color who was born and is living in the U.S., raising children of color, and married to an immigrant I can fully relate. My distress is as high as anyone else’s. The difference is maybe that I straddle privilege and oppression with coping skills that I have had a lifetime to develop, such that my blood pressure or heart or overall health have yet to be affected. While I feel enraged or sad at times, fearful and confused at others, I am not steeping in any of those emotions.  I do not have that luxury. I do not want to speak for all people of color or other vulnerable and oppressed identities living in the U.S., but I (we) cannot afford to be distressed to the point of being sick, hospitalized, and/or immobilized.  Further, and quite plainly – we are accustomed to this type of distress – for some of us, it is part of our daily living. And still, we rise and press on towards the goal.

I know the distress is real. I want to honor that there is pain, confusion, anger, sadness, fear. I also want to say that many of us who have been vulnerable and oppressed for some time know that “this too shall pass.” My great-grandparents and grandparents and parents did not survive racial and gender discrimination in the deep south by lying down and moaning. They did not have the luxury of sick time or mental health days. From them, I (and other people like me), learned how to press on and cope; how to find joy in the morning. So until “joy comes in the morning,” from my humble social work self, here are some tips for my friends who are experiencing pain, sadness, anger, confusion, discomfort, uncertainty for the first time:

  1. Keep breathing and engage in some self-care (and care for those around you). No social justice activist is any good if you are sick and weak and down-and-out. Stay well, healthy, and focused.
  2. Surround yourself with like-minded, caring, productive people. Together you can find comfort, vent, and strategize for the future.
  3. Call on a higher power. We are only human and can only do so much – meditate, pray, find a way to connect yourself spiritually or religiously to something outside of your human earthly self.
  4. Get a soundtrack. Music, art, poetry are all useful forms of protest as well as useful forms of uplift, care, and relief. My current soundtrack is a mix of Destiny Child’s “I’m a Survivor” and Kirk Franklin’s “Revolution.” I gotta keep a mix of hip-hop/rap and gospel to stay sane and focused.
  5. Find inspiration in those who came before us and did this work in the face of extreme obstacles. Harriet Tubman, Frederick Douglass, Sojourner Truth, Nat Turner, Rosa Parks, Malcolm X, and Martin Luther King Jr. to name a few.
  6. Act locally. The national and global picture is important AND overwhelming. Take action in your city/town, your state, your local schools. Get connected with what is happening in your area. Small bits may be more manageable and help to ease some of the distress of looking at the larger situation.
  7. Limit your social media and hard news intake. Really. Even as a professor who needs to keep up with the current events, I am limiting how much I log on and turn on. I still know what is happening and I am still able to act and I am less stressed about the daily changing landscape and environment.
  8. Don’t engage in identity politics that divides who you are from others. We are an intersectional people and our battles are all important. Combine efforts, work together, move forward.
  9. Remember that there have been many eras of social injustice. Many eras of social movements. And many victories for people who are distressed, oppressed, and vulnerable.
  10. Finally, remember joy does come in the morning. It may be the morning of next week or next month. But joy is counted in each small victory, and waking up with the ability to help make change is a victory for today!

 

This is my 10 cents on riding the storms of today.

What’s your self-care and care for others plan? Who is inspiring you to stay focused and fight the good fight?  What’s on your soundtrack during these trying times? How are you coping and pushing up and forward?

The Penis Talk: A Conversation With My Five-Year-Old Son

So after a rough day with NP, before daddy came home, my day ended with a scenario similar to this. I am now following this guy’s blog!

Must Be This Tall To Ride

simba and mufasa

Earlier this week, my son, who is in his third week of kindergarten, exposed his penis to other boys in the bathroom during school.

Everybody lost their collective shit. And by everybody, I mean his teacher, principal, day care lady, and mother. In that order.

There was a special parent-teacher conference this morning between my son’s teacher and mother to talk about behavioral expectations.

I take it seriously only insofar as I want my son to follow directions in school. To listen to his teacher. To be respectful and well mannered. To be well behaved and learn everything he can.

But he’s his father’s son. So goofing off in the bathroom with his friends makes total sense. I tend not to involve penises, but who knows what I was doing when I was five. Could have been super-penisy. Don’t remember.

I have had a couple talks with my son…

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Between Privilege and Vulnerability: Social Responsibility

familyOur Pastor has been preaching on the “Great Ends of the Church.”  I am embarrassed to say that I missed what all the great ends are.  Last week’s sermon (which was awesome) was about telling our truth. We had a great Black History Month litany honoring truth tellers in a variety of fields (art, music, science, education, etc.).  This week Pastor Heather is leading a group in Israel so Rev. Cindy came to preach. I LOVE Cindy, really I do. You know you meet someone and you instantly feel like “I could hang out with her often.” Yep. That’s how I feel about Rev. Cindy Kohlman.  Today she ROCKED the message on Justice and Social Responsibility.  As a social worker I was “Yea. Right on! We are about justice and helping others, and spreading the good news, and social responsibility.”

I wish the sermon had been tapped so y’all could see because I am not able to do her justice! She asked if some folks were uncomfortable. I ask this in my diversity courses all the time, with the premise that my space is safe and there will be discomfort because diversity…justice…social responsibility is challenging, controversial to some, and uncomfortable to many. The question for today’s sermon was “What Shall We (You) Do?” Justice and Social Responsibility is ACTIVE work! (Ephesians 4:25-29, 5:8-7 and Luke 3:1-14).

Our son, who has no enemy that he knows of and everyone he meets is a friend knows how worldto do justice and social responsibility in a very nice 5 year old way.

  1. On the playground or in a play setting he may notice that a child is different in some way and that does not stop him form playing with that child or inviting that child to play if the child was not already playing.
  2. Three times now at school I have received an email from his teacher saying that our son shared his costume with someone who forgot to wear their costume for that day (Whakcy Dr. Seuss Wednesday, or some other day…)
  3. Whenever we go out – to a friend’s house, to church, to a meeting, wherever…he insists that I pack enough snacks for him to be able to share with others. Sometimes he doesn’t get a snack he’s so busy sharing!
  4. While he likes to consider himself a BIG boy at age 5 and tends to gravitate to the older children (ages 10 and up), he always first looks out for those younger than him – giving them his toys to play with, a snack, a hug, before running off to be a big boy!
  5. When he is tired of a book or toy he always says “Mommy, you should give this to so-and-so.” We then discuss making a bag of toys and clothes to give away either to friend or to an organization.

His heart is so BIG and sensitive.  I am heartened that even though he has faced not being included because of his age or gender or race, he still takes the time to make sure to include and give to others.  (He by the way is often oblivious to being excluded…that’s a blog for another time). The scripture that come to mind is Matthew 25:45 “Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.

We, of course have done some prompting on giving, being generous, being aware of others and their situation. But our son has done a lot of 5 year old social responsibility work on his own.  Our job now is to continue to nurture that and make sure he continues to become more aware, ask bigger questions, and continue to actively work for justice. Because even those who have been oppressed or fee vulnerable or discriminated against have MUCH to give!

If your child has the tendency to ask questions, be generous, include others, give of him or herself – ENCOURAGE it and engage him or her in age appropriate discussions about justice and social responsibility.  One of the things I see missing in the larger society is justice being enacted across cultures, ethnicities, ages, genders, religions, political affiliations, religions – it’s OUR world and we ALL have a responsibility to do GOOD and RIGHT!

 

Between Privilege and Vulnerability: Social Protests

familyI said that this Lent I”d be blogging about raising a son in a faith-based home that values social justice.  I keep landing on how our identities straddle privilege and vulnerability…This post is inspired by our son’s trip with me to campus.  The university where I teach participated in a #BlackLivesMatter teach-in.  Even though I am on sabbatical it feels important to stay engaged around such issues.  I volunteered to facilitate the faculty discussion. Here is an example of a Lib Guide from San Francisco Public Schools: http://sfusd.libguides.com/blacklivesmatter)

“Mommy why are you wearing all black?”

“Well, my university had a #BlackLivesMatter #TeachIn. The teachers taught their students something that had to do with #BlackLivesMatter. Today I am going to help the faculty talk about what they did.”

“Oh. Is that what you did with Anye?” (This story has many newspaper articles, this is just the one about the actual march & rally: http://www.lowellsun.com/todaysheadlines/ci_28953936/marchers-protest-handling-lowell-high-texting-incident)

“No. With Anye we had a march and rally. We walked around the city so that people could pay attention to an important issue. It is what #BlackLivesMatter does often.”

“Oh. Are we going to march today?”

“No, not today.”

“Oh. Boo! I wanna march!”

Flash forward to after the teach-in debrief

“Mommy. Who were the people sitting on the other side of the room?”

“Those were the students. We were listening to the things they are concerned about.”

“Are they concerned about Black Lives Matter?”

“Yes. They are concerned with being treated fairly on campus and wanting to see more people that look like them…”

“Oh! Like Anye!…And like me at my school.”

“Yes, like Anye…And like you at your school.”

“That’s cool. Students everywhere want to be treated fairly. No bullies or mean people allowed.”

Our son is five. He was not quite two years old when Trayvon Martin was shot and killed by George Zimmerman. Since then many people of color, especially black men have been shot and killed by police or vigilantes. There is no way to hide all the news from him (not that we want to) and there is no perfect way to explain it all to him.

He, like me is both privileged and vulnerable.  He is a black boy (one day to be a man) living in the U.S. He lives in a two-parent home with educated parents of reasonable means. He is able-bodied in a brown skin body. He attends a private school in which he is in the minority.  In his own way, sometimes with more or less guidance from us he is coming to terms with his own position between privilege and vulnerability.

The ABC show #Blackish recently covered the topic of children & teenagers and understanding racial justice and protest.  If you haven’t seen the episode, you should!  Here are some other thoughts on the issue of kids and protest movements:

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/bs-md-freddie-gray-children-protests-20150502-story.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/18/kids-at-ferguson_n_5688393.html

http://www.xojane.com/issues/ferguson-protest

 

The TRUTH was spoken about Movements

(I’m not even sure I can adequately capture what I just experienced. I am so moved. You know those moments full of food for your head and soul – full of em)

20160125_105527Today I came out of my sabbatical world and ventured onto campus. My nephew was being honored at the SSU MLK, Jr. Convocation (“A Movement, Not A Moment”).  We are all so proud of Anye, especially after the ordeal he endured at Lowell H.S. on his path to becoming student body president (you can see ongoing coverage along with my Op-Ed in the Lowell Sun about the situation). He has graciously, humbly, and proudly risen above the hatred and carried himself with dignity and intelligence.  Today he was honored for writing an outstanding essay about Martin Luther king, Jr.

Some other really amazing things occurred.  A young man (whose name escapes me) sang an amazing rendition of Marvin Gaye’s (or is it Sam Cooke’s song?) “A Change is Going to Come” and the first verse of “Life Every Voice and Sing.” His voice made the words of those two songs touch the core of my soul! Before I could gather myself, Charlene Carruthers took the stage. OMG! Do you know her? Look her up! Currently she is the National Director of the Black Youth Project 100 (BYP100).  My 5 y.o. son, who was getting restless was immediately captivated by her and insisted to video-tape her.  He wasn’t sure what she was saying, but he was captivated anyway! And he was right. She spoke TRUTH about the lack of inclusion in previous social movements, in particular the Civil Rights Movement of the 60s. She spoke passionately and eloquently about the exclusion of women, and young people, and individuals from the LGBT community. She encouraged the university to not engage in tokenism (my paraphrasing of her deeper more thoughtful speech). She encouraged us to not just add a black man and stir and say we are diverse; to not just add a queer woman stir and say we are diverse, etc. She encouraged tough conversations, real work (policy and action) and she encourage discomfort (a common occurrence in my diversity class)! She had 3 main points which I have to email her to get because I got so caught up, I didn’t take notes! Most importantly she encouraged the students to find their voice(s), be heard, be persistent, and keep pressing for change. And then…

The students took the podium and stated their demands. 20160125_124206They said “You didn’t hear us.” OMG that feeling of not being heard. OUCH. I felt it! It brought tears to my eyes – the songs, Carruthers’ speech and then the students. As a faculty member of color (1 of only a handful at a university with 300+ faculty) I heard them. As a woman of color who attended a campus where people who looked like me made up 2% of the student today, I heard the students at SSU today. I let them know I heard them.

Kudos to Rebecca Comage and the Planning Committee for choosing such a dynamic and bold speaker and for honoring the students’ voices today! I know my nephew and his parents were moved and my 5 y.o. in his own way heard some important things and experienced something powerful. I know my syllabi are about to experience some important revisions!

My sabbatical has been lots of fun. LOTS of self-care, time with family and friends;  some research and some writing. Today I got renewed! I got inspired! I got motivated to continue the work of being part of a movement, no matter who is uncomfortable and to not just participle in a moment! So much more I think I could write….

What moves or inspires you to be part of a movement?

Whimsical Wednesday: Is there a secret Code for academics that I missed?!

Preface:  I am working on becoming more intentional with my posts. Tuesdays or Thursdays I will work towards writing and sharing thoughtful ideas and reflections related to teaching, social justice, and parenting.  Wednesdays or Fridays I will work towards writing and sharing my wacky stream-of-consciousness perspective on parenting, teaching, social justice.  The intentionality I am hoping will help me get focused on a writing schedule as I move closer to some important publishing deadlines!

booksI have been on sabbatical since September. I took a year (at half pay) on purpose.  I wanted to have some time to rest, engage in self-care, spend more time with family and friends, get some research and publishing done (which for me is nearly impossible during the regular academic year), and try something new.  I have managed to do a little bit of all of these things, sometimes in unexpected ways. Throughout all of my adventures I have been observing my family, friends, acquaintances, and colleagues watching me.  Me watching them watching me could really be an interesting research project (for a Social Psychologist maybe)!

One idea that stands out from those two-way observations is that there is a (maybe more than one) unspoken or unwritten (that I know if) code of conduct for academics when not on campus teaching, researching, writing, etc. Not the type of Code of Conduct that a religious school might ask you to sign promising you will behave morally at all times and if you are caught off-campus being immoral you could lose your job. No, a more subtle Code. That Code of expectations that you will:

  1. Listen to NPR, read a variety of newspapers, don’t watch mindless t.v., or no t.v. at all, unless it is PBS.News1
    1. If you do watch mindless t.v. write extensively about how you will use the show in class and describe in detail how the show will be deconstructed and analyzed.
  2. Not talk about your personal life, especially not your spouse or children
    1. Definitely do not be absent for your sick child, spouse, in-law…
    2. AND, if you’re sick some in and teach your class anyway
  3. Reject gender stereotypes (gender-neutrality = good; 1950s gender roles = bad)
    1. SO back to #2, don’t complain that you have chosen to have a child, cook and clean, etc.
  4. Be liberal (see #1-3) AND be as post-modern and pro-feminst as possible, rejecting labels, identities, etc.
  5. Not discuss religion, especially not my religion, unless I’m bashing the oppressiveness of religious institutions and their doctrines
  6. Be frugal (and look as if you are frugal)
    1. Shopping malls are bad…
    2. Do not talk about any privilege you have
  7. Reject capitalism and consumption (see #5)
  8. Eat organic – Shop at Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods
  9. Embrace the outdoors (that way you won’t be tempted to watch t.v.)
  10. Always use the English language properly – no slang or abbreviations, or acronyms…not even on social media!
    1. I kinda agree with this one AND I violate this often and freely joke about my personal editor (who is currently on vacation)!

If you are in academia you know what I am talking about. Some of this is poking fun of the community to which I belong and some of it is awareness. Do you stigmatize or distance yourself from or roll your eyes at colleagues who in some way violate the Code of Conduct for Academics?! I became an academic as a third career. I had been a clinical social worker and was doing student affairs work in a School of Social Work. I was asked to teach a course and I was bitten by the teaching bug. I was told that in order to teach full time I needed to earn a Ph.D. So I embarked on that journey and in 2007 landed my full time tenure-track teaching job. A few years later I finished that dissertation and a few years after that received tenure.  In between all of that I lived a full life.

HairAs a woman of color (who wears make-up & heels, cooks, cleans, mothers, as high regard for her husband, and attends church…) with a family here and abroad who prioritizes that family and self-care, I am most concerned with how the unspoken code does not allow for socio-cultural nuances, autonomy, and individuality within the academy. As liberal as the academy tends to be (there are many articles stating the contrary…that’s someone else’s blog…), the supposed liberal horn-blowing/sign-carrying/feminist/post-modern academics also create a specific set of criteria for fitting in that is not inclusive.  I am old enough to not really care if colleagues think I am not a proper academic because I do not follow the Code. I know my worth and my priorities!☺😛

I am concerned for my newer and younger colleagues who feel they must be in their offices even during semester breaks.  I am concerned for my colleagues who feel they cannot seek support within their departments when their child/spouse/parent is sick. I am concerned for my colleagues who feel they cannot pursue non-academic interests without shame or fear of being stigmatized. I am concerned that the very people who criticized the old academic guard for the homogeneous environment that they had created, is creating a new type of homogeneity. Academics should be encouraged to be diverse not just in their social identities but also in their interests and ways of expression.  Our students are not homogeneous and we encourage them to get out of their comfort zones and think outside the proverbial box and so should we. #JustSayin

 

Thoughtful Tuesday

familyOur son was not yet 2 years old when Trayvon Martin was shot in Sanford, Florida. That night we held him tightly and I prayed that I would find the words as he grew up to talk to him about vulnerability, oppression, being a person of color, racism. My parents who were born in the south but grew up in the North and the West did a poor job of preparing me for the harsh realities of the isms. I was sheltered and protected. I believe my parents thought that because we moved out of Inglewood into Pasadena, enrolled me in private schools, exposed me to those upper-class activities that they did not participate in, I would be spared or safe from racism, sexism, etc. Otis Graham, author of Our Kind of People wrote a column about how privileged status does not protect our children from being called a N—- https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/11/06/i-taught-my-black-kids-that-their-elite-upbringing-would-protect-them-from-discrimination-i-was-wrong/

Since February 2012, so may incidents of racial injustice and violence have occurred that I have honestly lost track. All I know is that I am trying to remain calm, not panic, and talk to our son in ways that make sense. My husband and I have different approaches, which is o.k. I think. There are different ways to expose our children, talk to them, and prepare them as best we can for their futures. Our differing approaches collided when our nephew was elected president of his high school student body and social media erupted in racial slurs and threats of death. For the first time since our son had been born I was called to action. I participated in a rally, but our son did not go. Our nephew was on the front page of the paper and on the nightly local news almost daily. Our son is learning to read and pictures speak volumes. I felt we could not hide or sugar-coat the truth. We have responded simply or used religion or sports analogies to help.

The simplest response possible: “He won and some people were not happy, they are sore losers, and they said mean things.” And our son would say “Are they going to get in trouble? Did they apologize?” The truth was that no, those kids did not truly get into trouble and we were not sure they had apologized. So another type of conversation was had. We turned to religion: “Sometimes people do or say mean things and they do not apologize. God knows our hearts and will always protect us.” God is still a vague being/concept to our son, but he kind of got it.  IN other situations, we have turned to sports (his favorite activity): “You know how in a game there is a referee that monitors the players and when a player creates a super bad foul the player gets kicked out of the game and then later he has to pay a fee?” “Yes.” “In life there are referees who patrol our world and kick people out and make them pay fees.”

But then the news images of police, protestors, shot boys that look like him become too much to ignore. Even if we were not watching the news in his presence, he sees the front page of the newspaper as we bring it into the house, the news has a preview on t.v. as we are turning to his kid’s channel, our gatherings are a mix of adults and children and he over-hears our conversations. We cannot and will not live in a bubble under the guise of shielding him. So the real challenge is how to navigate this harsh reality without burdening his 5 year old mind, soul, and heart.

He is obsessed with playing “jail.” He also loves soccer, football, play dough, and coloring. But inevitably whatever he is building with Legos turns into a jail. His soccer players end up in jail because they cause d a foul or his play dough creation is a jail. Even his beloved TMNT are in jail! My social worker antenna is buzzing!!!! So I ask “Why is everyone always in jail?” “Because they’re bad.” “What did they do?” “They were fighting.” “Oh” I say weakly, wondering if I should continue the questioning, which I do not but instead say “I think you’ve played jail long enough, let’s read….”

Our son is very intuitive, he is smart and savvy. He listens to everything people say. He is not naïve. At the same time, we do not want to give him more information than he needs at this age. We also do not want him to be shocked (which he will be) when a classmate or a classmate’s parent says something racially cruel or he doesn’t get invited to the party because the parent doesn’t like black people, etc., etc. I also do not want to be a helicopter parent, but I can easily see how trying to protect your child from injustice based on his race or biological sex or religion or ability…could lead a parent to helicopter…patrolling the books in the library, the holidays celebrated at school, etc.

I am too often overwhelmed by that state of our country and our world. I feel paralyzed and fearful. Then I remember that I need to model what our son should be (my husband does too) and I just make sure our son hears and sees me engaged in social justice. I also remember that I have gotten through it with minimal protection and I have grown stronger, more passionate, braver.

I also just hope and pray that there are parents of every race, ethnicity, nationality, religion, and orientation out there who are just as concerned as I am and are having age-appropriate conversations with their children about the same issues and about how to be an ally. I just hope and pray that there is better police academy screening and training. I just hope that the post-modernists, whom I do not always understand or agree with, are right and we reach a post-label-identity society…where we are all equal and treated as such.

Do you talk to your child about difference? Vulnerablitiy? Racism? Sexism? Current events? How do you do it?

Some of my favorite articles on related topics:

  1. To The White Parent of My Black Son’s Friends – http://www.amusingmaralee.com/2015/12/to-the-white-parents-of-my-black-sons-friends/#sthash.mZuLFa7R.dpuf
  2. Respect what black America is feeling – http://www.salon.com/2015/04/29/dear_white_facebook_friends_i_need_you_to_respect_what_black_america_is_feeling_right_now/
  3. Five recovery steps from a form helicopter parent http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2016/01/05/overparenting-5-recovery-steps-from-a-former-stanford-dean/
  4. What it’s like to be the only black kid in class http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/this-is-what-its-like-to-be-the-only-black-kid-in-class_568a847be4b014efe0dae77d